As we approach the holiday season, many people will be gathering with friends and family for Thanksgiving, and other religious holidays. For many, holidays represent a positive time for family and friends to reconnect and renew their goals as the new year approaches. For some, holidays do not involve spending time with anyone. For others, holidays represent a stressful period where family tensions or conflicts can be prone to arise, causing a positive time of the year to turn into a negative one.
Many people struggle to get through the holidays season due to emotions and stress relating to family members. Differing opinions on politics, past wounds re-emerging, and negative communication with each other can increase risk of a holiday gatherings going south.
It is our responsibility to manage our own individual emotions and behaviors, so that any conflicts or arguments with family around the holidays—or any other time of the year—can be resolved in the moment, or revisited at a later date, in a constructive, positive way. If we can not adequately manage our own emotions or behaviors, little things others do, or overtly negative behaviors or words with others, can trigger a response based in anger or hurt, which ultimately damages others or ourselves.
This holiday season, all of us as individuals and families can practice some basic communication and conflict resolution skills to have positive gatherings—or at least get through them, and revisit any disagreements or conflicts at a later time.
A few positive communication strategies to try with family or friends this holiday season could be:
- Be clear with boundaries in a respectful way. Saying "I don't want to talk about that right now," would probably lead to better outcomes compared to "Shut up and be quiet." If someone doesn't respect your boundaries, feel free to leave the room or talk with another family member. Respecting boundaries is foundational to trust in relationships, even family relationships.
- Be clear with emotions and needs using I-statements. "I feel ___ when ___" as a template can be used to express emotions or needs with others in non-threatening ways.
- For example, "You always make me mad when you don't listen to me," would express the same feeling as "I feel upset when people don't listen to me," but would heighten emotions with the other person upon hearing it.
- I-statements should not use the word "you", so it is not antagonistic. For example, "I feel angry when you don't do the dishes," is worse than "I feel angry when people don't follow through on chores," because the other person will automatically feel defensive.
If there is an argument that arises, it is important to keep the following in mind:
- Reflect on who is around you. If two adults are arguing over something, children in the home could be frightened or angry as a result. The adults should go to another room or go outside if kids are present during a conflict.
- Take a breath and think if this should wait for another time. Is this an appropriate time to have this conversation? If not, agree to come back to it. It is better to have a hard conversation with a clear head, not with an angry one.
- Take space from each other. Enforce boundaries with others and respect others' boundaries if they do not want to continue a conversation.
- Two angry people should be separated in different rooms or different locations to cool off if they are heated. They will most likely not be able to have positive, productive conversations anyway if they are emotionally heightened.
- Call for backup. If things get heated or violent, and anyone is scared for their safety, they can call authorities using 911, or use family supports in-or-outside the home/event to break up a conflict.
Hopefully, if people can use positive communication with others, and use positive conflict resolution skills if an argument begins, the holidays can be a time of the year that we can get through in a positive way, and not a time of the year for derailed gatherings or hurtful relationship wounds.
We do not choose our family members, but for those who feel negatively with family, we can choose positive and safe responses to negative events or triggers.